


Flesh Will Tear But the Soul Cannot

by definitelynotaweeb



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood, Gore, Gothic, Horror, M/M, Psychological Horror, Resurrection, Victorian, Zombie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-03-06 08:07:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3127259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/definitelynotaweeb/pseuds/definitelynotaweeb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the 1880’s, Eren is faced with the impossibility of his love for Levi. Even though his love becomes requited, many complications still keep them apart. During a fight, Eren loses his temper and Levi falls down the main stairway, breaking his neck. Eren has a plan to resurrect Levi using current medical science and a little bit of old magic, but when Levi returns, he is not quite the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm finally writing again! I've actually had this story in my head since October (too many horror movies lol) and because I'm trash I just finished the first chapter a few days ago. Anyway, I LOVE Victorian horror and Gothic Victorian anything so this should be fun. This story should get pretty intense and up close and personal about death, existential ideas, gore ect. so if that will cause you to throw up (like I used to) then you have been warned.

EREN

            _Why is he so beautiful?_ Eren thought. He could see him across the room and couldn’t stop watching. _I hope he doesn’t see me,_ the thoughts laid out in his mind _, but these feelings are useless, he will never love me – he belongs with Mikasa, right? I would just ruin their engagement_. Eren’s mind always took to this way of thinking. He couldn’t stop thinking about the subject. His sister, Mikasa, was getting engaged before him but he hadn’t even thought of finding a wife. He felt like a useless older brother.

            Looking at how Mikasa and Levi interact, he could see how distant they were. He didn’t think that Levi was a bad guy and he could tell that he respected Mikasa, so he (and everyone else in the family) didn’t see a problem with the engagement. It’s unspoken, but everyone knew why the engagement was happening. Levi didn’t seem like the type to believe in love. Eren thought he seemed like the kind of person to put up with something they don’t like because it’s their duty. But he thought that it’s a good quality.

            Everyone knew that the marriage is because of ulterior motives. Mikasa is pretty attached to Eren and she never really expressed interest in anyone else. Actually, she never really expressed interest in men in general. Eren thought she was weird. She wears all his gifts, she is bad at socializing, she has an unapproachable air to her, but he knows she’s a good person inside.

            Levi is a weird guy too. Eren thought that even if they don’t love each other, at least they would be great friends. They have so much in common. Levi is a mystery to Eren. He has a lot of money but no living family. He keeps to himself, but if they’re alone, he’ll make a really awkward joke that Eren doesn’t know how to respond to. He is engaged to Mikasa, but he spends time with Eren the most.

            But right now Levi’s talking to Mikasa as Eren is sitting in the big armchair in the sitting room. Everyone is bored. Eren has his head in his hands, waiting for his Dad to discreetly call him out for bad posture. He keeps making eye contact with Levi and then quickly looking away. He didn’t think he’d ever felt that miserable in his life.

            Levi is always dressed in an expensive suit and it really stands out against Mikasa’s simple yet elegant dresses. Eren thought he must seem out of place to Levi in his boyish suits that almost resemble the “play clothes” he wore to climb trees and catch fish in as a child. But Eren never felt confortable in nice clothing; he liked to be able to move around freely.

            Eren’s parents sat across from Levi and Mikasa making polite conversation and asking Levi all sorts of questions. Eren thought this was incredibly boring. He wanted everyone to leave the room for some unimportant reason so he could have an excuse to be alone with Levi. Because as of now, being the brother of Levi’s fiancé, he had no reason to claim any part of Levi’s personal time.

            _I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing_ , Eren thought. He didn’t only wonder if Levi was thinking about him, he hoped for it. Even though he knew their love was not only improbable, but also impossible, part of him still wanted Levi to fantasize about him. He didn’t want to be the only one.

            “Oh, Eren, sit up properly,” his father said in an exasperated tone, “really now, he’s too old to be doing this. Mr. Aker- I mean Levi, would you please be a role model for my son? He’s too carefree.”

            Eren shot up in his seat, his body in a flush of heat, and his mind racing with embarrassment. Levi just politely (and with slight annoyance) smiled at Eren and then at Eren’s father.

            “I have to decline because I would not consider myself a good teacher,” Levi said.

            Eren’s father laughed and said that Levi was being too modest and too formal. He urged Levi to call him Grisha because they were family now. Then he glanced at Eren in an irritated way and changed the subject. Eren hated this forced conversation. He just wanted to be in his room. Although he couldn’t deny that he was embarrassed by his posture just now. His father, Dr. Jaeger, had become a very successful man. He had saved the town from a terrible epidemic before Eren was born and had the respect of even neighboring areas. Eren should become a son befitting of his father’s prestige.

            “It’s getting late, I should probably show myself out now,” Levi said after a pause in the conversation.

            “Are you sure,” Dr. Jaeger said, “I could send Eren to walk you to the door.”

            At this, Eren flinched. He could barley stand sitting next to Levi, how could he manage to walk him out alone? It would be too difficult to hide his feelings. Fantasizing about it being alone and actually being alone were two different things.

            “Yes, if it isn’t too much trouble”, Levi replied with a forced smile.

            Levi stood up and looked down at Eren still sitting in his chair. Eren shot up stiffly from his chair and awkwardly moved next to Levi, who was still standing by his seat. Everyone looked at Eren with second hand embarrassment and tried to ignore the uncomfortable atmosphere that was steadily gathering between the two.

            “If you’ll excuse me,” Levi said, shifting his weight toward the door. Eren suddenly understood the situation and rushed out of Levi’s path and over to the hallway.

            “I’m sorry! This way, please...” Eren’s words trailed off.

            Levi moved next to Eren and they began to walk down the hallway to the front entrance. There was a heavy silence between them and Eren though the mood could not get any worse. He caught himself glancing at Levi frequently and when Levi accidentally met his gaze he snapped his head back forwards.

            “Are you admiring my jacket? It’s new. I thought you would like it,” Levi commented.

            Eren looked down to hide his embarrassment. He was so uncomfortable. _But wait_ , he thought, _what was that about Levi wearing it for me?_

            “It’s…nice, I guess. It suits you,” Was all Eren could reply.

The rest of the walk was silent. When they got to the door, Levi stopped before grabbing the doorknob and turned back around.

            “Is something wrong?” Eren asked.

            Levi moved toward Eren and acted like he was starring at something. He said Eren had something on his jacket and Eren moved back, allowing Levi to remove it. Levi moved closer to Eren, removing the dust, and started whispering something in his ear.

            “I know you’ve been staring at me all evening, Eren. Do you have something you want to tell me? Why are you getting so flustered when I move close to you?”

            With that, Levi opened the door and walked out into the late summer night air. Eren stood frozen at the door. He didn’t know what to do. Levi obviously knows about his feelings, or at least he knows that Eren has been acting strangely toward him. Was Levi also interested in him? He was so confused. All he could do was calm down, take a drink, and return to the party.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this took forever to update, I'm sorry! I've basically planned out how the rest of the story will go, so it just comes down to me actually writing it (haha). I also struggled with how I wanted Levi's character to be like at the beginning, but decided on making him unfeeling in the end. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! There's a bit of gore this chapter so be warned.

LEVI

            Levi left the Jaeger house and couldn’t help hiding a smirk as he walked down the stairs. He knew Eren had feelings for him soon after they met each other. Eren’s admiration had turned into affection quickly and Levi thought it was cute to see Eren stumbling through his words each time they talked. Levi found it amusing.

            Although on the steps of the Jaeger house that warm summer night, Levi felt something strange – guilt. He had never felt it before. He also liked Eren. He wanted nothing more than to hold him tightly, but he also knew that it was impossible. Eren was not only a boy, but also the son of his fiancé. He had a reputation to uphold and she had a family.  He liked Mikasa, but he did not love her. He never would. Levi was trapped: it was impossible to love Mikasa, yet impossible to forget Eren; impossible to love Eren, yet impossible to leave Mikasa. He found himself wishing the engagement would never end so he wouldn’t have to choose.

            Levi’s house was a dirty stone road away from the Jaeger’s. His shoes were covered in mud by the time he reached the end of the dirt walkway to his door. Removing his shoes, he made his way across the wooden floor of the large farmhouse to the bedroom. He didn’t bother to put kindling in the fire, he would be going out soon. Just a hobby of his – walking- he enjoyed the silence of it. He put on unassuming clothes, forgetting his watch, and creaked open the rough, paint-chipped back door. _Free_ , he thought _, finally free_.

The night air was still warm. Levi thought that summer nights were so fragile. Walking at night, when there was no one else, was so important. He had to be completely alone in the unwinding landscape around him, the only silhouette on the road ahead. But soon after leaving that night he heard voices coming from the dense wood that surrounded his house. The leaves and underbrush rustled gently. There were people in there, people in his wilderness - his escape. He had to do something. As he slid over the field to the source, the voices got louder and easier to understand.   
            "Keep him quiet!"  
            "This would be easier if we just drugged the kid!"  
            The child cried and his screams intensified as the man beat him over the head. Levi approached them from out of the trees.   
            "I'm sorry, I seem to be lost. I was informed that there is a house near by here?"  
            The two men looked at each other. One had his hand on the now unconscious child.   
            "There might be. We don't know the area well."  
            Levi looked down at the small child tucked away behind the second man. He knew without even asking what the child would be used for. He knew what happened to children without protection too well. The boy was still in his nightshirt although it was covered in blood. It must have been a struggle to kidnap him.

            “Is the boy yours,” he said.

            The men looked confused for a moment as if forgetting the fact they had a child behind them. The first man looked to the second as he began to articulate an answer. The second man quickly gave him a look and they both turned to face Levi. When the second man let go, the child fell to the ground in a lifeless heap. In a few moments the men ran to attack Levi. Levi thought that their movements were too simple. He could tell what they were going to do without much difficulty.

            Levi reached for the hunting knife he kept hidden and slashed the first man’s arm as he went for Levi’s throat. The man cried out in pain as warm blood cascaded down his right arm. The second man gabbed a blunt branch and swung at Levi’s head. He ducked. Then he kicked the man’s balance out from under him. In the seconds both men were immobilized, Levi got a glance of the collapsed boy behind them. In that moment, he saw himself. He remembered.

            Levi had not always been the well off man he was currently. His earliest memory was of his first murder. He was 8 years old. He couldn’t remember why he had even committed the crime; it was too hazy in his memory. But that crime would haunt him for the rest of his childhood.

            Levi was taken to a reformatory on the outskirts of the city. His life there was hell. It made him realize that there was probably no truth to the religious teachings they used as an excuse for violence against him and the other boys. Heaven did not exist. No one forgave him. But Hell was real – Hell was living.

            At the age of 14, a woman came to the reformatory. He remembered being taken from his room and shown to her. They said he was the only boy that age. She was dressed in mourning clothes. She forced a smile and asked to be alone with him. Levi just stared blankly at her when she asked his name. She told him that her son was murdered. It was a robbery and he was 14. His name was James. That was why she had come there today – she needed a son. Levi remembered her words exactly. _Maybe I can finally find happiness if I rescue a child from the very side of society that took mine away._ Levi told her his name.

            They left the reformatory in silence. The house he would now call home was large and newly built. The pointed tower-like structures and crown molding were the latest fashion. It was a great example of new money. When they stepped inside, she showed Levi to his room, James’s old room, and asked him to call her mother. Levi looked at the empty space barren of any furnishings except a bed and desk. He called her Ms. Smith.

            Their happy life together was cut short the next year when she contracted Tuberculosis. Levi remembered how much she changed. She was always so considerate and caring; always had a clear mind. But when the disease got into it’s later stages, she began to lose her mind. She would wake up from a shallow sleep and scream for James. When Levi ran in to help her she would grab him and pull him to her in a suffocating embrace. Her scrams would be dulled by the phlegm and blood that poured from her coughs. Trapped, Levi endured the episodes. After she passed out, he would strip and wash his blood-soaked clothing. She never remembered his name.

            That year she died. Levi was the sole benefactor and inherited everything. At the funeral, he just stared at her coffin. She was gone forever but he wasn’t sad. He didn’t feel anything. He just kept staring at her. The house meant nothing to him so he sold it. He had no real possessions, nothing of sentiment. He decided to move out to the country. He bought a house out near what would become the home of Eren and his sister. Back then, 15 years ago, it was just a house filled with a doctor and his wife.

            Levi remembered the emptiness he felt as he watched the two men get up and start to attack him again. This time he would kill them. Grabbing the hunting knife from the ground he waited for them. He felt no fear. Stabbing the first one through the throat, he watched as the blood sprayed out of his neck and covered everything as he fell to the ground, gasping. The second one tried to attack from behind, but Levi hit his head with the back end of the knife, and then stabbed him through the eye.

            He was soaked in blood, a familiar taste and feel. Levi looked over at the child now waking up from the blow. He wanted to help the boy. Levi walked over to the child and reached out his hand.

            “It’s ok.”

            At the sight of Levi’s splattered face and clothes, the child screamed and ran into the thick forest. In that moment, Levi felt like a monster. How could he get over the past? It had hardened him into something most people would fear. How could he ever make Eren happy? He couldn’t provide the caring demeanor Eren was sure to desire of him. He was sure to live a loveless life.

            Levi dragged the bodies of the two men back to his shed. He hacked them up into small pieces and burned the stained clothes he was wearing. He would feed them to the animals. Putting the remains in buckets, Levi waked over to the house and called out his dogs. Then he ground some for feed and stored the rest in the cellar. Nothing he couldn’t handle. He hosed himself down and went to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit It's been so long. I am so sorry! I didn't enjoy the break, it was filled procrastination and papers and this chapter felt so long and difficult to navigate when I looked at my outline, I kept putting it off. Again, I'm sorry. Anyway, the plot thickens (I hope).

LONGING

            Eren walked into the hallway. The house looked especially dark to him and the walls seemed to be curving at the creases. His body felt heavy. The door at the end of the hall felt like it kept getting farther away from him the more he walked toward it, and when he finally touched the wooden frame, it felt rough and cold. He pushed it open. Inside, the fireplace crackled in the darkness. A figure was seated on the couch in front of it. Eren felt strange, uneasy, like he had seen this person before.

            “Um...excuse me…” he said after some silence.

            The figure turned around and stared. It was Levi. He was sitting casually on the couch in the study with his suit jacket draped over the backrest, reading a book. The fire crackled in the silence. It was uncomfortable.

            “Levi, why are you here so late?”

            Levi stared at Eren, ignoring his question.

            “Why don’t you sit next to me, Eren? The fire warmed up the room nicely.”

            Eren started to move, but it felt strange – the whole situation was strange – Levi would never stay over so late and read, he would never offer Eren a seat so warmly, and why did he have the fire going in the summer?

            “Actually, I’m going back to my room, sorry.”

            “You should stay,” Levi’s voice was cold.

            Eren was afraid. He didn't know what to do. He stared to leave the room when Levi grabbed his hand.

            “Please,” Levi said, more gently than before.

            Eren turned around. Levi’s face was serious, but familiar. He wanted to be with Levi, but the atmosphere felt wrong. Eren tensed up at the grip around his hand. Noticing this, Levi slowly let go.

            “Sorry.”

            “It’s fine.”

            They stared at each other for a long time. Then Eren looked down, embarrassed. Levi moved away, standing with his back to Eren and facing the fireplace. The silence was crushing. Eren felt like he wanted to cry. He liked Levi a lot, he wanted Levi to look at him again; he wanted to be held. But he wanted those feelings to be returned, genuinely. If Levi didn't like him back, he had no reason to be nice to Eren. He had no reason to pretend.

Eren knew Levi was probably just going to tease him about his feelings again if he stayed. He didn't want that and he didn't know why Levi was so upset at him leaving the room.

            “Eren, I need to tell you something important.”

            “What is it?”

            Levi turned back to face Eren, who was fully expecting him to say that he was tired of Eren acting strangely around him and to keep his distance from now on.

“I love you,” Levi’s eyes were serious.

Eren could feel a pang in his heart. He didn't know how to react. Levi approached him again and repeated himself. Eren was frozen in place. The walls started spinning again. His skin felt cold and sweaty. Levi embraced him.

“Levi, I don't know what you want me to say. After what you said at the party, I was so embarrassed. I never wanted to face you again. How can you just say that so easily?”

“I’m sorry.”

Eren pulled Levi closer. He was happy, but he didn't know what they should do.

“Eren, can I kiss you?”

“Yeah.”

Levi embraced Eren in a kiss and gradually moved them over to the couch. Taking a breath, they both looked at each other’s faces intently. After another gentle kiss, Levi moved to Eren’s neck and shoulders. Embarrassed, Eren tried to push Levi back.

“Eren, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it's just…”

“Am I moving too fast? Sorry.”

“No, no! It’s good!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Levi started again, but he felt different from before. Suddenly, Eren felt a pang of discomfort. His shoulder felt inflamed. Levi was biting his skin, but it didn't feel bad. He kind of liked it. Eren tried to get Levi’s attention to kiss him again, but he couldn't get him to stop. The pain got more intense. It was starting to really hurt.

“Levi, stop. It hurts a lot!”

But he was unresponsive. Eren looked pleadingly back at Levi and he didn't look like himself. He looked more like a monster. Levi’s jaw extended out, revealing rows of fanged teeth. His hands pinned Eren down as he bit him again. Eren screamed and blood rushed out of his neck into the monster’s jaws. As it gripped him, Eren could feel that Levi’s cold fingers had extended into sharp claws. They were digging into him. The pain only got worse and he was losing the will to fight back. The monster released Eren’s raw shoulder and hung its head over his face. Eren found himself looking for Levi’s eyes somewhere under his black eye sockets. The monster went to bite him again, and Eren screamed.

Jolting forward, Eren panted heavily. His heart rate was pounding. He was covered in a cold sweat. _Its over_ , he thought, _it was just a dream_. He buried his face and his hands _, only a dream_. He sat in the dim silence for a while, but decided he needed to clear his head. He was bothered by the dream. He saw the horrible black sockets every time he closed his eyes. It was looming over him. He needed to take a walk.

Exiting the house silently, the summer air hit him as soon as he walked outside. The night was warm and the light breeze relaxed him a bit. He needed to calm down. Somehow, the farther he went down the road, the more anxious he felt. He wanted to go back, but when he turned around, he couldn’t really see the end of the road. Eren was getting scared. He wasn't used to walking at night. He decided to turn back.

“Hey, what are you doing out so late?”

Eren screamed and threw a punch at the figure, but his wrist was caught.

“What the hell,” the figure yelled back.

Eren opened his eyes. Levi was staring at him like he was insane.

“Oh, its you. I was just really scared, I’m sorry!”

Eren could feel the after effects of the adrenaline. He is legs were getting weak and his heart still wouldn’t calm down.

“Yeah, you look terrible, Eren. I’ll walk you home.”

The silence was uncomfortable on the walk back. Eren thought maybe the fact that Levi was shorter than him and trying to support him as they walked was part of it. Trying to avoid eye contact, Eren looked up at the night sky. The stars looked like light shining through tiny holes in a piece of paper. Eren remembered when he and Mikasa would make paper constellations and press them against the window. As a child, he really believed it looked like the sky. He thought he could create anything. Now, he couldn't even control his own heartbeat when Levi touched him.

Soon they could see the outline of Eren’s house in the distance. Eren couldn't help but feel relieved. The strong silhouette of the jagged towers against the night sky made him realize how large it really is. Eren invited Levi in. The house was dark and empty and Eren couldn't decide if he was more or less at ease with Levi walking next to him.

Eren lead them to his room. They could talk there and he didn't feel like being alone after the dream anyway. The real Levi was kind and gentle. Eren never felt threatened by him. But the Levi from the dream, he was truly terrifying. Eren couldn't help his thoughts form wandering. He wondered if the real Levi might actually be like the Levi from his dream. The thought bothered him. He tried not to think about it.

They sat down on Eren’s bed. Eren had lived in the same room since he slept in a cradle. He never saw the need to move to the larger one. He remembered when his mother was still pregnant with his sister. He was so excited to finally have a playmate that when his mother asked him if he wanted to change to the larger bedroom, he refused saying he wanted his sister to have the better room. So Eren kept the small child’s room down the narrow hallway in the side tower of the house. But somehow it felt suffocating with Levi in it now.

They sat in silence on opposite corners of the bed. The atmosphere was uneasy. Eren wanted to day something, but he didn't want to be the one to break the silence.

“Eren, about what I said that night,” Levi’s voice was slow and unsure.

“It’s fine. Really. I don't want you to feel like you have to pity me.”

“I don't.”

More silence. It resonated in Eren’s mind. _I don't._ He wondered if he should be happy or crushed.

“Eren, I want to tell you something important.”

“What is it?”

“I can't marry Mikasa.”

“What?”

The prospect of the engagement being cut off so suddenly frightened Eren as much as it gave him the slightest hope. The family would be devastated. They would lose social standing. Mikasa would be hurt by the rumors of what she could have done to discourage a suitor. Eren couldn’t let that happen.

“If it’s money, we have a lot to offer you still,” Eren’s voice was shaky.

“It's not the money.”

“Don't you know what this will mean for her though? She’ll be shamed. It’ll-”

“I know. But I can't go through with it.”

“Why not?” Eren was getting angry.

“Because of you.”

“Seriously? Because I’m in love with you you’re going to call off the engagement! Do I disgust you that much?” He was close to tears.

“No. It's the opposite. I love you.”

Eren let the last part sink into his mind. He didn’t know how to respond. Levi moved closer to Eren who was staring intently at the floor. Levi put a hand on his shoulder; Eren was incredibly tense.

“I love you,” he repeated.

Levi put his hand on Eren’s face and pulled it to his. Levi was surprisingly warm. He felt nice. Suddenly, Eren remembered the dream. He was terrified of Levi. He pulled away, shaking.

“Get…get away!” Tears rolled down his flushed face.

“Eren. What’s wrong?” Levi was concerned.

Eren huddled in the corner of the room, shaking. Levi went to touch him and Eren screamed.

“Eren, calm down!”

Levi grabbed Eren’s arm. Eren let out another cry. Levi held Eren to his body and talked him down. After a while, he could feel Eren’s breathing getting steadier. He was shaking less.

“Are you ok?”

“…yeah. I think so.”

“What happened? What scared you so much?”

Eren held the silence.

“You.”

Levi stared at him.

“I would never hurt you.”

“It was just a dream. But I was really scared. It just all came rushing back to me and… I don't know”

“Dreams don't mean anything.”

In the tight embrace, Levi kissed the back of Eren’s neck. He didn't want Eren to know that he had real reason to be afraid.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god it's be sooooo long I'm so sorry!!!!! I actually had half of this written in March, but you know how life throws stuff at you and you don't feel like doing much of anything? Yeah that was most of my last year...But! Aside from that! This chapter contains some MILD sex and abuse mentions. Then it's your usual horror. October seems like a good time to post this too because SPOOKY SCARY...yeah. So, I hope you get to carve a pumpkin and drink warm cider under the foliage soon! (enjoy)

MOURNING

            Fall leaves blew into the study window and scattered across the room. Eren slowly stood up from the large armchair. _It's getting cold out, I shouldn't fall asleep with the window open anymore._ Eren found himself alone in the house again today with nothing to do. Doctor Jaeger was at medical conference with his mother and Mikasa was off visiting a friend of hers who was engaged to a farmer from the area. Eren was left to focus on his studies. His tutor gave him some bookwork to practice, but Eren fell asleep after attempting the first few problems. He was already mourning the end of summer and had no motivation for schoolwork.

Eren hadn't visited Levi since the night after the nightmare. He missed him, but there was no way to visit him discreetly. Eren wanted to be with Levi openly, but he knew that was impossible. They would have to remain bachelors their whole lives, or both take wives they did not love to keep their social standing. Eren knew that even though Mikasa could marry, she would not be able to take over the practice like he would. He would have to produce a successor. The thought bothered him. He used to be happy that he was born a boy because he had more freedom to do what he wanted, but now he wished he was a girl. That way, Levi and him could marry and raise a family together. Eren hated these feelings. He decided that he would try to see Levi today to clear his mind. He needed the comfort.

Walking outside the estate, Eren felt the chilling fall breeze blow through him. He tightened his jacket _. I wonder if Levi is thinking the same thing? How long has he agonized over his feelings being one-sided? How long have we hidden our true selves?_ Eren couldn't help his mind from wondering. The grasses and trees on the side of the road looked burnt green now, and it would not be long before they turned completely orange and red. Eren realized he was walking in the direction of Levi’s house and stopped in the middle of the road. He knew it was a bad idea to go over now; it would only cause both of them problems. Moving into the direction of town, Eren felt a strong gust of wind push him forwards from behind.

The area Eren lives in used to be open land until people started farming it under a century ago. The land turned into a farming community and now, with the help of the Jaegers, is becoming more appealing to merchants and businesses. The town is relatively close to the community and Eren often walks there to kill time when he wants to be alone. Eren had moved a good distance down the road when he felt a few cold droplets hit his shoulders _. Is it raining?_ Eren looked up and felt more drops fall on his face. _Goddammit_. He didn't have an umbrella and it was a thirty-minute walk back to the estate. He stood in the road, too frustrated and defeated to move at the moment.

“Are you just going to stand there and get soaked?”

            Eren knew that voice.

“Levi?”

“Yeah.”

He was completely soaked himself. Eren wanted to laugh, but he held it in. Levi looked angry, like a cat that had accidentally fallen in a pond.

            “My house is thirty minutes away, how long of a walk is it to yours?”

            Levi opened his mouth to answer, but paused for a moment.

            “Mine is…” He was still searching for the words “We should probably go to your estate, Eren”

            “Oh, is your house farther away?”

            “It would be more favorable.”

            The rain beat down on them was they walked back towards the estate. Eren couldn't help himself from feeling happy. Even though the cold rain soaked into this shirt, he could not help but feel warm next to Levi. It was getting dark. The trees faded into black silhouettes against the dark purple sky. It was cold, but peaceful.

“Even though you said my house is closer, I would love to visit your house once, Levi.”

Levi looked at Eren and then back at the road.

“If you like,” was all he said.

Slowly Eren could see the silhouette of his house ahead of them.

“I must admit,” Eren began, “to my embarrassment, no one is home but myself for the weekend. I was actually meant to be focusing on my studies.”

Levi looked at Eren blankly.  
“Can we go back to your room, Eren?”

Levi’s face was serious, yet expressionless. Eren felt flustered.

“O-of course,” he managed to get out, his voice cracking.

Pushing open the door, Eren found the house was dark and empty. Levi followed behind him.

“You were serious, Eren, no one _is_ home.”

“We should take off our shoes before walking on the carpet,” Eren suggested before taking of his shoes, “they’re muddy.”

Levi unlaced his boots and hovered over Eren.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No.”

Cold rainwater dripped from Levi’s hair to the back of Eren’s shirt and accumulated on the floor.

“Maybe we should change into something dry,” Eren’s voice cracked nervously.

Levi wrapped his arms around Eren’s waist and kissed his neck. His breathing echoed loudly in Eren’s ear, hands wandering under Eren’s clothes.

“Wait, Levi!”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it's just,” Eren looked at the floor. Levi tightened his embrace.

“Just what?”

“Shouldn't we go, um, upstairs first?”

Levi smiled and kissed Eren again. In Eren’s room, closing the door behind them, wet clothes piled on the floor of the doorway. Their bodies were cold from the rain, but it didn't matter. Levi could tell Eren was scared. It made him upset too. He moved his hand slowly and cradled the side of Eren’s scrunched up face.

“Open your eyes,” Levi’s voice was more emotional than usual, “please.”

Eren slowly turned his head to face Levi and relaxed his features. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck and pressed his body against him, feeling his heart. Eren’s eyes widened.

“I’m nervous too,” Levi smiled.

He kept on touching Eren, who was holding on to him tightly, and focused on the sounds Eren made muffled under their kiss. So far, everything was going well. Levi had no personal experience with sex; he could only remember what he saw happen to many of the boys he knew years ago. Before he could really understand what it meant. But the sounds Eren was making were more encouraging than the ones that echoed in his memories. He felt relieved, but the anxiety still lingered in the back of his mind.

Eren felt his whole body clench up and go weak at once. He let out a loud, jagged breath, and then collapsed on the bed. When he reopened his eyes he saw Levi was standing over him, anxiously staring at him.

“How, um,” Eren stammered, “How should I do it to you now?”

Levi sat back, not sure how to respond. Eren pushed himself up again and stared back at him. Then he slid his body forward against Levi’s chest and kissed him.

“That’s all I really know how to do.”  
            “That’s fine,” Levi chuckled, resting his hand on Eren’s red face, “just use your mouth.”  
            Eren nervously moved his head to Levi’s swollen groin and opened his mouth. Levi watched him, and then laid his head back against the bedroom wall, absorbed in Eren’s movements. It wasn’t bad at all. Maybe both their lack of experience made it seem better than it really was, but after a while, Levi was reaching his limit. He could feel himself getting close. A pang of anxiety and anticipation washed over him.

“Eren, that's enough…”

He kept at it.

“Eren if you-“

Levi grabbed Eren’s hair and pushed him away. Too late. Silky fluids covered his face. Eren snorted and coughed, rubbing his nose and mouth. Levi frantically sat forward and tried to help him wipe it off with the sheets. Eren finally opened his eyes and met Levi’s. They stared at each other in silence before bursting into laughter. Every thing seemed like a dream.

They stayed in bed lying side by side. Eren turned over to face his lover. The sounds of heavy wind bending the trees scratched at the window. It sounded like a storm was picking up. Autumn weather was always unpredictable. The scratching sounded more like tapping. Like someone was trying to get in. Eren thought he must be imagining things. He could feel Levi breathing, slowly, steadily. His body was warm. Eren snuggled in closer and was greeted by a sleepy arm swung over his back, which pulled him in more. The tapping seemed normal now. It was white noise. He felt safe wedged in between his lover’s arms and chest. As Eren was drifting asleep, an intense, thundering boom echoed through the house. He tensed and jolted upright, Levi’s eyes widened. He sat up next to Eren in the bed, pushing the sheets aside.

“That wasn’t thunder…was it,” Levi muttered to himself.

Eren rushed out of bed as Levi was pulling up his pants and buttoning his shirt.

“We can check together. I think a beam might have broken somewhere…the change in temperature makes the supports weak.”

Levi looked distracted, but put his hand on Eren’s shoulder, keeping his gaze forward.

“You’re probably right.”

Levi was already at the doorway while Eren frantically pulled on his own clothes. The whole house was dark; the gas lamps couldn't be kept on all night and there was no need to light the rooms you weren't in. But it made moving around at night harder. The floors creaked under their weight, and Levi could feel Eren following close behind him. The wind seemed like it was picking up outside and it shrieked against the windows. Eren was a little afraid, be he couldn't tell Levi. He would probably laugh at his childish fear of the dark.

Levi stopped at the edge of the stairway. Eren looked at the familiar cascade of spiraled wooden steps, the ones he used to climb as a boy, now faded into a dark depth of blackness to the parlor. Looming over the edge, he jolted forward at the sound of another crash. Eren was close to tears. Levi looked back at him. His face was sweaty and tense. He pushed Eren back with an outstretched arm, both of them silent.

            Levi started down the stairs and into the blackness below. Eren could hear his footsteps. They were almost cat-like, yet commanding. Eren lost count of how much time had passed. He was getting nervous. The footsteps were getting louder – closer. They were going the up staircase. But the figure coming up the dark winding abyss wasn't his lover at all. A cruel fear and anxiety welled up inside him. It was the monster again, the one from the dream. Levi's contorted features faded into focus. Eren felt like screaming, running away, hiding. _But where?_ There was no safety from it. No haven.

"Eren, it's safe. There nothing down there."

"No-" He dryly stuttered, "Stay away!"

The monster edged its way closer

"Eren! Wake up! You're just imagining things again, it's me. You're safe"

He had to fight back. He had to save himself somehow. Huddled against the wall, Eren waited. He would end this in one go. Levi approached him slowly with his arms outstretched in a hug. He would embrace Eren and calm him, make him feel safe until the episode was over.

"It's fine"

Eren gathered his strength and shoved Levi away. It was too unexpected for Levi to react. He stumbled backward to edge and lost his footing, falling back first to the winding wooden planks below.  Eren listened to the loud splitting sounds of bone against wood. It rang in his ears. As the noise trailed off to an echo, Eren came to his senses. He hadn't destroyed the monster but the real thing. How could he live with himself?

_Oh no no no oh God no!_

Rushing to the edge he called out. Nothing but his own voice returned. He could see remnants of blood bruised into the wood as he wondered down. There at the bottom was a shadowy corpse, lifeless and battered.

_No...no he can't be…_

He was. His body lay contorted and heavy on the floor. There was blood on his face and clothes, probably from a broken nose. The head was snapped in an unnatural direction. His spine was pushing through the skin of his neck. It was horrible. Eren felt like throwing up. Crying. Running away.

            He held Levi’s limp corpse to his shaking body. He felt incredibly hot and cold at the same time. His mind was racing. He kept trying to think of ways to fix it, but there was no way to take it back. Hot tears welled up under his eyes and poured over his cheeks. Clenching his arms around the corpse, he let out pathetic cries of absolute sorrow. He kissed Levi’s forehead, but it felt disgusting. There had to be a way to take it back, someway to undo it. Eren’s thoughts turned desperate.

_Please God… I know I don't talk to you much and you may not even care about me. But please don't abandon me! Please give me Levi back! I don't ask you for a lot but please just give me this. I swear I’ll be a better person if you do._

            But what if God wasn't the only thing that could give life? What if _he_ could? The thought floated around inside his head.

            _I could do it._

            Eren dragged Levi’s lifeless body down across the foyer and into the yard. Across the yard was the shed his father used as operating rooms. He and Mikasa were never allowed near it as children. Many women had gone into labor there and left alone, some not at all. Now that Eren was older, he understood these women and babies had died there, that his father couldn’t possibly save them all. But a child’s mind makes all kinds of excuses to keep the world sane. Through the lies of adults, they learn to keep the world pure. Eren was no different. He thought his father would send those that never left the shed to God. How appropriate, he was about to play God himself.


End file.
